Dexter’s Laboratory Porn Story: Team Players Chapter 1

TEAM PLAYERS

My first fanfic here at . Try to keep the characters’ voices and mannerisms in mind while reading this! And yes, the ending is supposed to be predictable. MUCH thanks to Honoria Glossop for all her help in revising and developing this script.
Dexter’s Laboratory is Y 1996 Hanna-Barbera Productions and Cartoon Network.
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[DEXTER’s household, Kitchen. MOM, DAD, DEXTER, and DEE DEE are eating dinner. DEE DEE is making faces at DEXTER with her mouth full.]

DEXTER: [Quietly.] Stop it. [DEE DEE continues munching loudly.]

DAD: Well, kids, I’ve got some exciting news for both of you! [DEE DEE squeals.]

DEE DEE: We’re getting a pony?!?

MOM: No, honey. [DEE DEE pouts, then returns to making faces at DEXTER.]

DEXTER: Do we get to go see the Smithsonian Museum on our next family trip?

DAD: Heh heh heh, no, kids. [Pauses for suspense.] I’m going to coach your school’s softball team! [There is silence, followed by the sounds of DEXTER and DEE DEE blinking a few times.]

DEXTER: But, but, but father… what does this have to do with us?

DAD: Well, you two are going to join the team! …Aren’t you?

MOM: You know your father was the best player there was, back in his day! [Grins at DAD, and they give each other one of their romantic looks.]

DEE DEE: Softball is a boy’s game! I prefer flowers… and ballet… [Screams.] AND PONIES!!!

DEXTER: Father, you know that I don’t do sports. [Shudders.] Remember, we tried once…

DAD: Nonsense! We’ll be working together as a team! [They look unconvinced.] Would you please sign up? For your dear old dad? [Pause.]

DEE DEE: [Suspiciously.] Will you give me candy? [DAD lowers his eyebrows.]

DAD: [Aside, to DEE DEE.] How much do you want?

DEE DEE: Two bags.

DAD: One.

DEE DEE: Two.

DAD: Deal. [They shake.] Dexter?

DEXTER: No way. I am not taking any part in no stoopid sports!

MOM: Dexter… [She gives DEXTER her look of Doom. He sighs.]

DEXTER: Very well. But I will not enjoy it! [MOM and DAD grin contentedly.]

[Halls of Huber Elementary School. DEE DEE and DEXTER are in front of the sign-up sheet for the softball team. DEXTER has his arms crossed, while DEE DEE is grinning.]

DEE DEE: And I’ll put Dexter down…

DEXTER: Oh, shut up! [DEE DEE scribbles his name on the signup sheet.] I want nothing to do with this.

DEE DEE: Too bad! [Grins, then scribbles her name on the list as well.]

[MANDARK is at the other end of the hall by his locker. He looks down the hall and sees DEE DEE writing something on the roster. He does not notice DEXTER with her.]

MANDARK: Oh, Dee Dee… [Hearts pop around his head.] How my entire cardiovascular system skips a beat at the sight of you! I strive unendingly for your affection- for a mere glance!- and yet you notice me not. Oh, my love, how can you not comprehend the depths to which I will go for so much as one acknowledging look my way? If only there were more hours in the schoolday for me to see you.

[DEE DEE leaves the poster, and MANDARK dashes to it.]

MANDARK: Hey, what’s this? [Reads the sign.] “Softball is back! Sign up now”? [Considers.] Yes, my opportunity to enchant Dee Dee with my agility and brute strength in the sport of softball! Granted, I know nothing about sports. [Sighs, somewhat defeated.] But I’m certain that, with my superior intelligence, I can learn quickly! [Scribbles his name on the poster, then tosses the pencil aside whilst cackling insanely.] Ahahahaha!

[MANDARK walks off. We see DEE DEE’s and MANDARK’s names on the lines… and then, above theirs, DEXTER’s.]

[The softball fields of Huber Elementary. DAD is playing catch with an eager DEE DEE, while an irate DEXTER looks on. All are in practise uniforms.]

DAD: Isn’t this gonna be great fun, son? [Tosses ball to DEE DEE.]

DEE DEE: Whee! [Catches and throws it back.] Hey, I bet Dexter can’t catch or throw. [DAD catches the ball.]

DEXTER: [Cringing.] Can we just get this over with?

DAD: Oh, I guess so. It looks like we’ve got just about everyone! [Grabs the whistle dangling round his neck and blows shrilly. Kids gather round.] Hey, kiddos! I’m Dad, and I’m going to be your new softball coach this season after the, umm, unfortunate dismissal of your last one. [Uneasy silence.] So, let’s see how we are at batting! First up, let’s have… [Closeup of DAD’s face, which turns sinister and dark.] Dexter. [DEXTER trembles, horrified.]

DEXTER: I don’t think that’s such a good idea…

DAD: Sure it is, son. [Gives him an evil look.]

[DEXTER winces and scoots slowly towards the plate. Cut to the back of MANDARK, who is dressed in a turn-of-the-century style baseball uniform, complete with a cap with- of course- the letter “M” embroidered on it. He spins around to face us.]

MANDARK: Dexter?!? [Closeup of MANDARK’s face.] Hey, what’s he doing here? [Starts shoving his way through the kids to get a better view.]

DEE DEE: Come on, Dexter!

[DEXTER continues quivering. Closeup on DAD, looking malicious as he winds up for the pitch. He flings the ball at the plate and DEXTER turns away in horror as it comes at him.]

DEXTER: Nooooo!!!

[The ball strikes DEXTER and sends him toppling to the ground in very slow motion. He hits with a deafening thud… then silence.]

MANDARK: Ha ha ha! The Dorkster couldn’t hit a ball to save his life! You pathetic specimen of humanity! You needless waste of matter!

[DEXTER sits up, rubbing his head, then turns to face his taunter.]

DEXTER: YOU! What are you doing here, Mandark? [MANDARK grins smugly.]

MANDARK: Oh, just demonstrating my athletic prowess, as I often do. [Raises his eyebrows.] Yet another talent of mine that, not surprisingly, you seem to lack. [DEXTER stands back up.]

DEXTER: Oh, yeah? Well, let’s see you try and hit the ball!

MANDARK: Gladly, oh ye of little muscle mass. [Struts up to the plate.] Watch this. [To himself.] Just do it like they do in the movies…

[DAD winds back and hurls the ball.]

MANDARK: Yeeeaaaaag! [Jumps a little to avoid getting hit.]

DEXTER: HAH! You call that skill?

MANDARK: Ooh, just you wait!

[MANDARK prepares to swing again. DAD pitches. MANDARK swings forcefully, but misses the ball.]

DEXTER: Here’s your last chance, Man-dork!

MANDARK: Quiet, mortal…

[MANDARK grits his teeth and tightens his grip on the bat. DAD hunkers down and throws the ball as hard as he can. MANDARK squeezes his eyes shut and swings blindly… and hits the ball.]

KIDS: Run! Run!

MANDARK: Wha…? Oh! [Takes off for first base.]

DEE DEE: I’ve got it!

[DEE DEE traipses to underneath where the ball is falling. MANDARK continues running for the first base. He sees her standing there and gasps.]

MANDARK: Dee Dee!

[MANDARK runs even harder. He slides toward the base, just as DEE DEE catches the ball. He crashes into her and crumples up.]

DEE DEE: Sorry, Mandark! You’re out! [MANDARK gazes up at her adoringly.] Nice hit anyway!

[Cut to DEXTER, who is glowering in the dug-out.]

DEXTER: So that self-absorbed lame brain thinks that sports are one arena in which he can beat me, huh? Well… I’ll show him.

[Cut to MANDARK, who is walking away from the base, hearts still in his eyes. He shakes his head and becomes angry.]

MANDARK: So that ignorant Dorkster actually believes he can beat me at sports and humiliate me in front of my beloved? Well, I know how I’ll show him! Ahaha haha hahaha!

[View of both MANDARK and DEXTER standing on the field, laughing maliciously.]

[DEXTER is in his lab, wrenching, welding, designing, working furiously on devices. Dramatic construction music. DEE DEE waltzes in and sneaks up behind him.]

DEE DEE: Hi, Dexter! [DEXTER jumps, then turns to glare at her.] Whatcha doin’? [DEXTER shakes his fist at her.]

DEXTER: Dee Dee, get out of my laboratory! I’m working on something very important. [DEE DEE rolls her eyes.]

DEE DEE: Oh, Dexter, you always say that. What’s it for?

DEXTER: I’m going to show that stupid Mandark who’s best- at EVERYTHING!

DEE DEE: [Blinks and crosses her arms.] What-ever. [DEXTER starts pushing her out.]

DEXTER: Try to understand, dear sister. I am not a sportsman. [Looks sheepish.] I don’t even want to be playing on this silly team. But if I can make myself a talented athlete, I can finally prove myself Mandark’s better once and for all!

DEE DEE: What makes you think he won’t do the same?

[DEXTER blinks. Pause.]

DEXTER: Don’t be silly, Dee Dee. [Smirks.] Mandark obviously lacks the intelligence to devise incredible inventions such as my own. Now let me return to my work. [Throws her out of the lab.]

[MANDARK is in his lab, carefully calibrating a large piece of machinery that we cannot quite see. OLGA stomps in and punches him, throwing him to the ground.]

OLGA: What are you doing, geek-face? You’re supposed to be finishing my homework.

MANDARK: [Straightening his glasses.] Leave me alone! I’ll do your homework in a minute! [Gets up.] I’m constructing something of dire importance.

OLGA: Like I care.

MANDARK: I have to prove my athletic talents to that infidel Dexter and confirm my superiority to him in every aspect! Ahahahah- [OLGA cuts him off by punching him, and mangles him some more.]

OLGA: You have no athletic talents.

MANDARK: [Frowns.] That may be. But hence, my creation!

[MANDARK points off-screen, with much fanfare. Light shines triumphantly from the object off-screen. OLGA looks on, unimpressed.]

OLGA: What makes you think Dexter won’t do the same? [MANDARK blinks in horror, then regains his confidence.]

MANDARK: Nonsense. The Dorkster lacks the mental capacity to conjure up anything half as powerful as that which I have created.

OLGA: Whatever, Mandork. Don’t forget my homework. [Storms off. MANDARK frowns and returns to work.]

[Huber Elementary softball fields. DAD is giving a pep talk to the kids.]

DAD: All right, team! I hope everyone’s as excited about our first game of the season as I am! [Blank stares; a few blinks.] Well, the other team will be here any moment, so let’s get warmed up!

[DEE DEE takes a position as catcher behind the plate. Pause. A rumbling sound is heard. DEXTER lumbers to the plate in a giant battling robot, which crouches at the plate. We then see MANDARK approach the mound in an enormous pitching mecha, who prepares to throw.]

MANDARK: Wait a minute! Dexter! What are you doing?

DEXTER: Mandark! What is that?

DEE DEE: [Sing-song.] Told you, Dexter!

DEXTER: Grr.

MANDARK: Arr. [They glare at each other and grit their teeth.] It is no matter. My robot shall outplay yours!

DEXTER: Oh, yeah?

MANDARK: Yeah!

DEXTER: Bring it on!

[MANDARK squints in concentration and prepares to pitch. DEXTER narrows his eyes and prepares to swing. MANDARK and his robot throw the ball; DEXTER’s robot swings, but misses. They snarl at one another some more and MANDARK pitches again. This time DEXTER hits the ball, and grins. MANDARK scowls.]

DAD: [Off-screen.] Foul ball!

[Cut to DAD. Catches ball and throws it to MANDARK, completely oblivious of the giant mechas.]

MANDARK: Heeheehee.

[MANDARK pulls a lever on his control panel labelled “Speed” and cranks it up to “Light-speed”. His mecha winds up and hurls the ball with all its might. DEXTER’s swing is too slow, and the ball heads straight for DEE DEE.]

DEE DEE: Oooh…

[Shot of DEE DEE’s face as the ball comes closer, in slow motion. She crosses her eyes to follow it. It strikes her right between the eyes and she falls to the ground, also in slow motion. A thundering echoes out slowly across the field as she lands.]

KID 1: Oh, my gosh! He killed her!

MANDARK: [Horrified.] Dee Dee! [Manoeuvres the robot towards her and hops out.]

DEXTER: Mandark!

[DEXTER steps out of his mecha as well. Kids gather around their felled catcher. DEE DEE begins to open her eyes, and we now see the crowd accumulated, MANDARK in the centre, from DEE DEE’s perspective. It is blurry; she blinks a few times and it slowly comes back into focus.]

DEE DEE: Was that your contraption? [We see an arm extend- wearing a white lab coat and a dark pink glove.]

MANDARK: Y-y-yes…

[Back to normal view. DEE DEE stands up, and she has reverted to the outfit she wore in “Dexter’s Assistant”- black pants and ballet shoes, a white labcoat, hot pink gloves, and glasses just like MANDARK’s and DEXTER’s.]

KID 2: Hey, when’d she change clothes?

KID 3: What’s going on here?

KID 1: Are you a ghost?

DEE DEE: [Scrutinising MANDARK’s robot.] Not too shabby. Though I would certainly correct that trajectory, if I were you. [Chuckles lightheartedly.] Perhaps this circuitry could be rewired to enhance the reaction speed to your commands. [MANDARK blinks multiple times.]

MANDARK: I considered that, but it then occurred to me that doing so would reduce the feedback loop that activated the sensors, and that was a sacrifice I’d rather not make, considering the purpose of this machine. [DEE DEE nods, impressed.]

DEE DEE: How very astute of you. And what is this calibration you have here? I must admit I’ve never seen anything like it before.

MANDARK: Well, that’s one of my own constructs. I just-

DEXTER: Hey, what’s going on here? Dee Dee, we’re supposed to be playing softball!

DAD: [Off-screen.] The other team is here!

[DEE DEE and MANDARK look at each other, then look at DEXTER.]

DEE DEE: I’m afraid I’m going to pass on this round, little boy. I have more important scientific matters to attend to. [To MANDARK.] Now, as you were explaining…?

[DEXTER scowls. MANDARK and DEE DEE stomp away in MANDARK’s mecha, discussing its design.]

MANDARK: -so that the recursive amfibulator- [Fades as they roam off.]

DEXTER: Ooh, I cannot believe this! And I’m stuck here playing a stoopid softball game!

DAD: Oh, Dexter! You’re up first to bat! [DEXTER cowers in fear.]

[Montage of the following vignettes, with sappy music playing.]

[MANDARK and DEE DEE are working on a robot together, and they pause and gaze into each other’s eyes. Hearts pop around their heads.]

[MANDARK and DEE DEE complete a project, and toast each other with root beer. They sip their drinks and watch the sunset from MANDARK’s lab observatory, holding hands.]

MANDARK: I cherish the way you factor your logarithms, my love.

DEE DEE: I adore the way you titrate your aqueous solutions, my darling. [They sigh dreamily.]

[DEXTER is in his lab, beaming excitedly as he can work productively without the distractions of DEE DEE. Billions of inventions pile up behind him.]

[DEE AND MANDARK in the lab, MANDARK suddenly changes into flamenco outfit we saw in “Dexter’s Rival” and strikes a pose.]

MANDARK: My dear, would you care to dance?

DEE DEE: I fear I have no time in my schedule of scientific discoveries to waste on frivolous activities of that ilk. Surely you think the same?

MANDARK: [Sighs.] But of course.

[Music turns slightly sour.]

[DEXTER wrenching something in his lab. Keeps looking over his shoulder, expecting to see a rambunctious DEE DEE, but does not. Sighs, and continues wrenching.]

[MANDARK and OLGA race each other down the stairs and towards the kitchen for dinner, and DEE DEE just strides behind them at a leisurely pace, keeping her nose in the air.]

[DEXTER, MOM, and DAD are around their kitchen table, looking bored and uninterested in their food as they have no DEE DEE to listen to jabbering about a pony.]

[MANDARK, OLGA, and MOM and DAD NOMENOFF are eating somewhat sloppily. DEE DEE keeps her nose in the air and eats her dinner very primly. MANDARK looks at her and sighs with sorrow.]

[Music turns dark and painful.]

[MANDARK is welding something. He glances up and notices DEE DEE looking over his shoulder, watching him working, but saying nothing. He turns back, hunches over, and continues working. DEE DEE points out something he is doing wrong.]

[DEXTER kicks a lone screw around his lab and looks around sadly.]

[Split view of DEXTER and MANDARK.]

MANDARK & DEXTER: I CAN’T TAKE IT ANYMORE!!! [Music stops. Cut to MANDARK.]

MANDARK: I thought it was so wonderful. Not only was my eternal muse on the same mental capacity as I, but she requited my passions for her! But, alas, it is not the blissful romance I believed it would be. She lacks the same sparkle and untamed energy that made me love her to begin with. [Puts his head in his hands.] Oh, woe is my tortured existence in which the two things I love, Dee Dee and science, duly curse me. I can NOT do science as a team- and this is not the Dee Dee I so admire! [Cut to DEXTER.]

DEXTER: My stoopid sister has left me to instead help my archrival with his inventions, leaving me to suffer in softball by myself! For all I know, they may be plotting against me as I speak! [Split view.]

MANDARK & DEXTER: If only she could get hit again! [Cut to MANDARK.]

MANDARK: Maybe I can convince Dexter to take her to our next softball game and bribe him to hit her, so I wouldn’t have to live with the guilt of knocking her out again myself.

DEXTER: Maybe I can trick Mandark into bringing her to our next softball game so I can knock her unconscious before they have a chance to strike!

[Both boys cackle iniquitously. They each grab a phone and start dialing.]

MANDARK: Dexter?

DEXTER: Mandark?

[A busy signal is heard. They both hang up.]

MANDARK & DEXTER: Oh, well. [Cut to MANDARK.]

MANDARK: I’ll just have to do it myself. [Sinister look.]

[MANDARK’s lab. DEE DEE is hunched over an experiment, concentrating. MANDARK approaches her from behind and taps her on the shoulder.]

DEE DEE: [Not looking up.] Hello, darling. I’m busy right now. Do you mind?

MANDARK: But, my love! I have a surprise for you. [DEE DEE turns around, only vaguely interested. MANDARK produces two tickets as a magician and holds them up.] I acquired two tickets to the lecture at the university with the renowned scientist Linus Fritzen.

[A close-up on the tickets reveals that they read “Softball: Huber ES vs. Southside ES”.]

DEE DEE: [Eyes going wide.] You did? [Throws her arms around MANDARK.] I’m so sorry I was rude to you, my dearest. How can you forgive me? Fritzen is my favourite theorist! I cannot repay you! [Gives him a big smooch. MANDARK, after getting over the initial shock of being kissed by DEE DEE, starts looking guilty.]

MANDARK: Umm, of course you can, my dear… [Looks at the floor. DEE DEE continues clinging to him.] Well, we’d better get going. Don’t want to be late…

[Huber Elementary softball fields. DEXTER, DAD, and the rest of the team are huddled in the dugout. MANDARK and DEE DEE enter through the gates.]

DEE DEE: This doesn’t look like the university, darling. [MANDARK winces, looking guilty.]

MANDARK: Umm, maybe the lecture got cancelled. [Aside.] I’ve got to find Dexter and get him to do this… oh, but I can’t bear to knock out my love, even if she is driving me crazy! [Puts arm around DEE DEE and finds them a seat in the front row.]

[DEXTER is in the dugout in his softball uniform, kicking at the dirt angrily. He glances up and notices MANDARK and DEE DEE in the stands.]

DEXTER: Mandark! With Dee Dee! They sure have a lot of nerve coming here! If Dad sees them not playing, boy, is he going to be mad! [Picks up a bat.] Hey, wait a minute!!! [Narrows his eyes angrily.] Ooh, I knew they were plotting against me! I’ve got to stop her… knock some sense out of her!

DAD: Dexter! You’re up! [DEXTER trembles but approaches the plate.]

DEXTER: [Whimpers.] I am NO good at softball after that last game, when they disqualified my robot! I’m lucky I don’t hit myself when I try to swing.

[DEXTER takes his appropriate stance to swing. The PITCHER from the other team winds up, glowering at DEXTER, and throws. DEXTER swings and just barely avoids hitting himself.]

UMPIRE: Strike!

[Cut to MANDARK and DEE DEE, who are sitting in the stands, bickering.]

DEE DEE: But darling, I don’t see why we’re watching some useless softball game when we could be listening to the genius of Linus Fritzen! Sports are for the weak of mind and I wish to have nothing to do with them. [MANDARK sighs with defeat.]

MANDARK: I told you already, they must have cancelled the lecture. Can you stop thinking about science for just one second? You’re driving me crazy! [Aside.] Now if only I had my stupid robot so I can snap her out of this! Or else convince Dexter to do it for me…

DEE DEE: [Blinks.] Driving you crazy? How?

MANDARK: Before you got hit in the head you were so… happy, and sparkly! You were my muse, my inspiration, my purpose for living! And now, though at last you love me back, you are none of those things! [Pouts.] I’d almost rather have you the old way, even if it means you’d ignore me.

DEE DEE: Hit on the head? Sparkly? What in Planck’s Constant are you babbling about? [Sticks her nose in the air.]

MANDARK: Never mind! Never mind. Look, it’s your idiotic brother out on the field.

DEE DEE: What brother?

[DEXTER swings and misses the ball again.]

UMPIRE: Strike!

DEXTER: Grr… [Notices MANDARK pointing at him.] I’m going to get them for good!

[PITCHER winds up and throws the ball. We see it arcing across the field in slow motion, moving slowly towards an intense DEXTER. DEXTER swings the bat with all his might and it hits the ball with a deafening crack, sending it flying into the stands. DEXTER’s bat continues its swing all the way around DEXTER and hits him from behind, knocking him to the ground on his face. The ball is soaring into the stands still, and is headed right for DEE DEE.]

MANDARK: Aaaahhhh!!!

[The ball strikes DEE DEE on the forehead, and she goes down. Black. Once again we see DEE DEE’s perspective, and as she blinks a few times, we can see a blurry MANDARK, DAD, and a few others huddled around. They come into focus. MANDARK scoops DEE DEE into his arms.]

MANDARK: Dee Dee! My darling, oh, are you all right? I didn’t mean what I said! I love you as you were! Are! Were!

[We return to normal focus, and see that DEE DEE is back in her familiar ballerina outfit. MANDARK attempts to kiss her cheek and she screams.]

DEE DEE: Eww, it’s Mandark! Get away from me! [Jumps out of his arms.]

DAD: Dee Dee! Honey, are you all right?

DEE DEE: I’m fine, Dad! Can I bat next?

DAD: Why, of course, sweetheart. [Glares at MANDARK.] You, sir, however…

MANDARK: [Nervously.] I can explain…

DAD: …need to get warmed up! I want you pitching when it’s our turn. [MANDARK lets a sigh of relief.]

DEXTER: [Wandering onto the screen.] Look at me! I’m a Pony Puff Princess!

[DAD and MANDARK stare at DEXTER curiously.]

DAD: There’s only one word to describe all this…

MANDARK: What’s that?

DAD: Contrived. [Shouting.] All right, team! Let’s get back to the game! [DEXTER shakes his head and comes to.]

DEXTER: Forget it, I quit!

MANDARK: Haha! Then you admit defeat!

DEXTER: Of course not, Mandark. I’m only quitting before you have to embarrass yourself further.

MANDARK: No way! You’re intimidated by my skills and rugged good looks!

DEXTER: Huh-uh! I know I’m better, because I- [Shakes his head again, eyes become spirals.] I’m the queen of the Pony Puffs!

THE END

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Please post a review and be sure to email me with any errors or suggestions. Sorry for the contrived ending! Once again, thanks to Honoria Glossop for moral support and being my partner in Mandarkness.

Be sure to visit the Mandarkers Society!
/mandark